If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
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Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
new career option?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.