My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
HELP 😭
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]