*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
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Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired