After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Two types of dogs.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
This guy gets it.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.