Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last