“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.