According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.