satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Hotels are back
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
so this horse walks into a bar
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
How times have changed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving