Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”