everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
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My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Oh yeah that’s it
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her