the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
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Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
How your email finds me
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.