I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups