A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
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Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs