I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
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It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.