ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
United Steaks of America
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end