[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.