If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
PLEASE READ
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.