All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Jesus steals the winter solstice
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.