Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
You Might Also Like
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Every. Damn. Time.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds