I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
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I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“i am a sweet baby”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle