[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
You Might Also Like
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.