Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I hope Alan is OK
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car