I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?