*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie