If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
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Awwwww shit.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
There’s always that one guy
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.