[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.