I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
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Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Bed should get ready for ME
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.