Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
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STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
good work, detective
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
accurate
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE