They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
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My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
This came to me in a dream.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m being attacked 😭
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.