self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
🤣🤣🤣
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry