Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?