HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
How wrong was this guy?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week