centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
i wish we could shoplift online
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT