things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
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How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Dance like you’re not the father
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.