King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler