Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
You Might Also Like
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.