ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
How about daylight saves us for once
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.