Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
You Might Also Like
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?