Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway