Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.