The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Easy enough.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?