When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
titanic
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle