Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I falcon love using swear birds
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I came this close!!!!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play