*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Nice try, NASA
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.