My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
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“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
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