Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
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We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.