“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
These are my roll models.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?