[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
nobody’s gonna understand
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.