Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*