*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Flowers bee like
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Brother?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single